Woke up this morning with my lovely old Ninja purring on the pillow beside me - what an improvment over Mr Grumpy.
Then the G word kicked in - how can i let him down now, when he obviously really needs me - he is having some kind of crisis, that's clear - surely he needs me to be there for him...
Ran this one past the daughter.
'Mum, he'll just think: 'I treated her like crap and she puts up with it so I can go on treating her like crap'
And:
'how can we help him with his crisis if he refuses to even talk about it?'
Out of the mouths of 16 year olds...
Here's MY half of the attic...

... and my Ninja

Last night, after dinner, I told him once again that we needed to have this talk. The conversation (‘rant’ might be a better word, as I did not have much opportunity to make a contribution), lasted 10 minutes tops and the gist was something like this:
The reason for his behaviour is entirely due to the fact that I went ahead and got a kitten despite him saying on numerous occasions that he did not want one. His reasons for not wanting it are as follows:
· We are in financial difficulties and cannot afford another mouth to feed.
· Looking after a cat takes time, and there are too many jobs which need doing around the house to waste time on a cat (but not, apparently, on watching American football and motor racing).
· That our son should have been consulted before such a momentous step was taken (how does he know he wasn’t? Actually, I had mentioned it to him and he was happy with the idea.)
(Before somebody points out, ‘Aha, financial difficulties, that’s the REAL reason, please bear in mind that I am only quoting here, not saying that I believe any of this crap. However, apart from saying ‘you are a liar’, there is not a lot I can do in response.)
I asked why he hadn’t explained these reasons beforehand, instead of just saying ‘We’re not having another cat’ in response every time the subject was raised. Apparently he ‘didn’t know I was serious’ – what, not even after I went out and bought the litter tray???
I pointed out that I had offered to get rid of the kitten, but he replied that that ‘would not have been fair on the kitten’, and that our daughter would never stand for it – he was right there.
I asked what he meant when he said the relationship was ‘fixable’, and what his suggestions were for fixing it. He said he only said this because he didn’t want to go to Relate, and that he actually didn’t think it WAS fixable – something we agree on at last.
He then proceeded to say that he cannot afford to move out because of the cost of upkeep of this house. I then said that obviously we will have to sell the house, to which his response was, we cannot sell the house because it needs too much work doing on it.
This appears to be his trump card, as he then walked out of the room – end of conversation.
My next concern is that, prior to getting legal advice, we should speak to our son – face to face, not be phone or email. He is at uni about 100 miles away. I think we should go together to see him, this will be a first as in the year he has been there we have never visited him in term time, but it must be done. I don’t want to have to do it on my own. I think I might have to send hubby an email to suggest that we go together.
In the mean time, I have taken off my wedding ring.

The kitten usually sleeps on our daughter's bed. Last night, she was not here (staying at a friend's).
So... I decided that the kitten should sleep in our room - and as hubby obvious+ly would not want to be there if she was there, I made up our son's bed for him (son is away at uni).

We were supposed to have that talk when I came back from Brussels - the one in which we were going to discuss how our relationship could be 'fixed'.
I have been pondering this - it seems to me there are two questions: how does he propose to 'fix' it, and is it worth 'fixing'?
My friend Kate pointed out a third question: what does he think the problem is?
I know what my answers are:
We don't communciate and we do hardly anything together because we have hardly any interests in common.
How to 'fix' it? By starting to communciate and by trying to make the effort to do things together, I guess.
Is it worth it? That's a definite maybe.
so, armed with this lot, I have to come up with a strategy for this 'talk'.
sunday evening - no, I definitely couldn't face it then - just back from Brussels and we had had a bottle of wine with dinner.
Yesterday - had to take daughter to panto rehearsals, I found him at 8:15 and said did he want to talk then, but I had to go out again in half an hour, he said 'no point then', (though if we kept talking for more than half an hour, that would be a first.)
So this evening - I just got back from my pilates class, daughter is out at a friend's, only the two of us (and the cats, of course) in the house. Found him in the attic watching a tape of the American football from last night.
Me:'Can we have that talk now'
Hubby:'No'
Me: 'Why not?'
Hubby: 'Too tired'
Me:'When are you not going to be too tired?'
Hubby:'Don't know'
Think that 'maybe' is getting a lot more definite (or rather, 'not')

Well, he picked me up from the railway station - then retreated to the attic... daughter's boyfriend was here when we got back - haven't seen the old cat yet - even th kitten seems a bit subdued - wonder why I bothered coming back????
at least if no one talks to me i can eat all the chox.
I guess we have to have our famous 'talk' some time, but I don't feel brave enough yet.
someone took this photo last night without me knowing - i was shocked to see how unhappy I looked: 'In the glass I saw a strange reflection. Was that lonely woman really me?' ('Those Were the Days my Friend...')
mnnnn
Sorry for that, kitten just walked on the keyboard.

On Sunday I cooked a roast chicken dinner which we ate in the dining room (away from the kitten), and hubby started talking about what is going on at work and the stress he is under - which, yes, I had kind of worked out was happening, but didn't know any details about.
Since then he has actually deigned to be in the same room as the kitten on occasion, which I suppose is progress. Last night he ate his dinner in the kitchen (though not with us as he was late home) and only then retreated to the attic.
When I mentioned in a mixed group last week about this retreating to the attic, one of the men said, 'what's in the attic', when I replied - telly, video and computer - the response from the men was 'there you are, he's got all he needs!'
So, life goes on, the kitten is now a permanent fixture, maybe it will all blow over and things go back to the way they were.. but the question now is: do i want things to go back to the way they were???

This is what has happened so far today.
The old cat jumped on his chair after breakfast, he stroked it and spoke perfectly calmly and normally to it saying: ‘You’re always jumping on my chair aren’t you, you want some peace and quiet too!’
He helped with the chores as he always does.
Me: Can you please tell me if you still mean what you said on Friday [that he would leave] because all this not knowing is doing my head in.
Hubby: Not sure.
Me: would you like me to make an appointment to see someone at Relate?
Hubby: No
Me: Why not?
Hubby: Because I don’t want to talk to someone at Relate.
Me: Do you agree that we have a problem with our marriage?
Hubby: Yes, but I think it’s fixable.
Me: how?
Hubby I’ll tell you when you get back from Brussels [I am going to be in Brussels Thursday till Sunday next week]
Me: do you want me to cancel the trip and not go [I have asked this before]
Hubby: No
Me: are you sure?
Hubby: Yes, that’s why I said we’d talk when you get back.
He has now gone back to his attic.

I have had a cat for nine years. Before we got the cat, my husband always swore he didn’t want one, but since we have had it he has always got on very well with it and has never shown any animosity towards it.
I recently decided to get another kitten. My husband’s reaction went something like this:
Hubby: If we get another cat, we have to get rid of the old one.
Me: We’re not getting rid of the old one.
Hubby: In that case, I’ll go.
Me: OK, you go then.
In spite of this conversation, I went ahead and got the kitten on the assumption that my husband was not serious, and that he would learn to love the new cat just as he had with the old one.
However, he refuses to be in the same room as the kitten, to the extent that he will not eat a meal with myself and our daughter if the kitten is present. When he is not at work, he has taken to spending all his time in a room in the attic.
When I asked him how long he intended to keep this up, he announced that he did not wish to be in the same house as the kitten and would find somewhere and move out.
I offered to get rid of the kitten, but he replied that it was too late and he was going anyway.
This after 23 years of marriage, 28 years together, and never any hint in the past that he was dissatisfied with our relationship in any way.
No one would make this up. This is my life.
What happens next?