I have felt for a long time that it is my inability to bullshit, to manipulate the world, that accounts for my failure to actually get anywhere. I once told my Erstwhile Male Best Mate that he was good at bullshitting, and he was quite offended, but it was a compliment in a way. I define bullshit as being able to respond immediately to what someone else has said, whether or not you are perfectly confident of what you are saying – it is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s part of being decisive, and it’s a skill I really envy, because I am so hopelessly crap at it. I hate being in a situation where I have to talk to people spontaneously. I hate saying anything if I’m not 100% confident. Even when it’s something you would think I should know a lot about and have opinions about, I sometimes find it difficult. For example, yesterday someone asked me about the creative writing course I’ve been doing and I didn’t know what to say. I hate that feeling, that ‘What the hell do I say now?’ It’s like the ability to make small talk, to chat to people, whether you know them or not, to put them at their ease (I originally wrote ‘at YOUR ease’, which is probably quite Freudian, as that is really what it’s about, about ME being at MY ease with them. )
Paradoxically, I think I probably come over as over-talkative at times, because I have spent so much time down the years wondering what to say, that I have a tendency, when I can think of something, to go ahead and say it.
More and more with these ‘life skills’ I’m beginning to think, well, this is how I am – do I necessarily want to become better at bullshitting? Can I please just focus on being who I am, and not feeling I have to try and reshape myself?