Those of you who have read some of the earlier postings on this blog may recall brief mentions of a character referred to as the EMBM (Erstwhile Male Best Mate). This guy was a fellow student when I was doing my PhD, and I think I can say without undue immodesty that I was generally considered the brilliant, original thinker, but he had the balls – literally and metaphorically – and was good at the bullshit and self promotion, so consequently he was the one who got the job and moved on. The last communication I had from him was 7 years ago, when he accused me (without justification) of plagiarism, and threatened to sue.
So what did I find in my inbox today? He had evidently found his way to my ‘day job’ website, and had ostensibly got in touch to ask if I could let him have electronic copies of 3 conference papers we wrote jointly when we were both students, but also to tell me all about his brilliant career, past disagreements water under the bridge, let’s keep in touch, etc etc
I tell myself that life is not a competition, that I’m lucky with the life I have, with the freedom it gives me to think and write and do the research I want to do without being beholden to anybody. But there’s a part of me that thinks, ‘Why should that arsehole have a Proper Job and a Proper Career when I haven’t’.
How do I respond to his email? I have NO intention of re-initiating an acquaintance with him, even if, at one time, I would have given anything to see his name in my inbox or hear his voice on the phone. Is this my Gloria Gaynor moment? In a way it’s good that he was the one who contacted me. I wonder why he did that? ‘I bet he’s sinking/If he’s trying to get in touch with me’ (‘You wear it well’, Rod Stewart).
Given that I have no intention of letting him sneak back into my life, do I tell him exactly what I think of him: ‘You were a lying, self-deluding arsehole 10 years ago, and I have no reason to believe that you’ve changed that much’ – just tell him that I don’t have the papers (they’re probably on a floppy somewhere, but I can’t be arsed to go looking for them because they’re honestly not worth it), or just ignore his email and don’t bother replying? And would any of those reactions just be childish?
Am I wrong to hold a grudge? The last time I heard from him (in 1999) was coincidentally the last time I was in counselling, I was still pretty hung up about him, and the counsellor then said: ‘You have to ask yourself whether having any contact with him is likely to bring more happiness or misery in the long run’ or words to that effect.
So, I’m not going to let him back into my life, though admittedly I’m curious as to what he’s doing and why he’s contacted me after all this time. My life is busy and full – too full. I don’t have time for this, and I’m too strong to get drawn back down again. ‘Surviving is the best revenge’.