Last night, all the old feelings came back, as bad as ever. So they haven’t gone away, not really, not that I ever thought they would, they’re all still churning around in there. They might be less frequent, and they might not last as long when they’re here, but they’re never going to go away for good, are they? So is that as good as it gets, the best I can hope for? That the bad times might not last so long as they have in the past? Though that has always been variable anyway, there is no ‘typical’ pattern, so how can I know if things are getting better or just a temporary blip?
The fact is, I’m never going to be able to put them behind me for good, that’s just naïve, they are not something I’m ever going to be able to ‘get over’, just something I have to live with.
The only kind of happiness which lasts is the dull, count-your-blessings, mustn’t-grumble acceptance. Flashes of euphoria are fleeting, unpredictable and always come with a price tag.

When I was in my first job - over thirty years ago – I was chastised for being ‘too emotional’ about my work and taking criticism too personally. Maybe this has contributed to a certain reticence towards defending my ideas and my work. So, when a certain person asks someone else to do something I thought I was doing, I get angry, but I have to try very hard not to show it, because that would be ‘getting emotional’ and being a prima donna. Would I prefer it if he came straight out and said that my contribution wasn’t good enough? Does he do it this way because he’s too much of a coward to tell me to my face, or is he totally insensitive to my feelings? And isn’t that right anyway, wouldn’t it be better if I didn’t have feelings, or at least kept them under wraps?

And our wedding anniversary, too, as it happens. Not that we will be going anywhere or doing anything, just as we didn’t for my birthday, because we can’t afford it.
Looks a bit wet to do any gardening – I’m getting a bit ‘gardened out’ anyway. So what are my options? Housework, council work, research, writing or… decorating, I guess. None of which seems very appealing at the moment.
That is one of the drawbacks of my weird work pattern (apart from lack of money). All of the wage slaves I know seem to enjoy just being at home, even if they still have the same sort of crap (housework, decorating etc) to do as I do, being at home is at least some kind of break from routine. For me, it IS the routine.

Ed and Fallon, well well well, didn't see that one coming, (rolls eyes, raises eyebrows, ironic tone).
I was wondering how long it would take her to dump Kev.