This journey of self-exploration has led me into some strange places, beyond love and desire, into… what? I have no idea. A new place to explore.
I am here. Whatever happens around me, whatever winds may blow around my crags and valleys, and shake the pine trees, I remain as I am.
These feelings are beyond words. I struggle to escape from cliché. But maybe I should let go of the struggle. What is, is and what will be, will be. There is an inevitability in my words.
None of this makes sense. How can it? It is beyond sense. I have caught a glimpse of that place, beyond the senses, beyond thoughts and emotions, beyond worry and stress, beyond desire. Only a glimpse. The clouds lift, just for a moment. A shaft of brilliant light cuts through, and sets fire to the ground at my feet. Then it is gone, and all is as it was before. Or can it be? Can anything stay the same? Everything changes, but everything stays the same. For an ant, the movements of the grasses are the storms and upheavals of a whole world. Our footsteps causally crush its forests and empires, then move on. The storms and tribulations of our lives take us to ecstasy and despair, and the world moves on around us.
And so, another day arises. And all that has to be done will happen, or not, jobs will be completed, or not, meals will be cooked and eaten, arguments will arise and subside, I will sit before my keyboard, my fingers will cross the keys, something new arises from them, and causes a series of electrical impulses which change the state of so many millions of particles of silicon. But what of the millions of particles of carbon from which they arise? They are changed too, they have their own electrical impulses. And the act of transferring from carbon to silicon sets up new reactions, new impulses, a positive feedback loop of growth and development.
When I sat down here this morning, I had no idea what would come, or where it would come from. No guided meditation this morning, I had got to the blank section on the tape, but also I was up before 6, so thought I would try and meditate till the alarm went off. I played the bi-lateral audio music tape, and tried to do the mountain meditation. I found myself forming words, trying to write a poem. Then when the alarm went off at 6, I changed the tape over and played the silent passage, 10 minutes until the bell rang. Then I came up here and had no real idea what I was going to write, except for a few phrases which had popped up while I was thinking about mountains. I was conscious of my lungs expanding and contracting. This is what I noticed last night. Even though the tapes say ‘the gentle rising and falling as you breathe in and breathe out’, I don’t think I’ve ever been really aware before, in quite the same way. The swelling and subsiding behind my breasts felt very sensual. But that’s another story.