No idea what to write about. All I have in my head this morning is an idea of circles and cycles – day and night, winter and spring, sorrow and joy, the in breath and the out breath, one after another, repeated again and again. However far down you are, it gets better; however far up you are, it gets worse.
I guess the down times don’t happen as much or last as long as they used to. That’s good, isn’t it? A step in the right direction?
The cat is on the desk again. She sniffs at the pane of glass which I took down yesterday. It’s propped in the gap between the back of the desk and the slope of the roof.
I love this room, but I take it for granted, all I notice is how untidy and messy it is. Shelves crammed with books, box files, ring binders, piles of papers on desk and floor, filing cabinets overflowing, random detritus on the shelves, boxes of old floppy disks. And dust everywhere, when was the last time I cleaned properly in here? Don’t think about it. Glancing up I see the card the Crazy Frog sent me, two years ago, it’s still there, on the shelf. Not the only one, there are plenty more, so it doesn’t look too obvious. Stacks of post cards bought all over the world, brought back and shoved into desk drawers or squeezed between books or squashed behind stacks of recordable DVDs. A memory stick, a candle in the shape of an owl, a pair of reading glasses with a broken frame, another memory stick, a 40gig usb back up drive, pulled out of the USB hub to make way for something else and now lying abandoned on the shelf. Hole punches, old envelopes, an oil burner, a cup of water to top up the oil burner, from last week when I was burning eucalyptus and tea tree oil and trying to clear my head and throat.
I could go on. I already have, for far too long.
There is little else to say. I have my son’s old keyboard, he brought it back from uni for me this time, because I spilt coffee over mine, the wireless one that I really liked, I had to cannibalise one from my daughter’s computer, the one she doesn’t need now she has the laptop.
We promised her a Mac when she went to uni, and then I was going to have her laptop, but now what is going to happen? She seemed to be really enjoying herself, to know what she wanted to do, and now it’s all fallen apart again. Some time she has to stop, even if just for a little while, and stick with something for a time. University is good for that, if gives you that transition time, that time when you don’t have to know for sure what you are going to do, but if you don’t have that, what then?
I try not to worry too much about her. I can’t stop myself.
The cat is squeezing herself behind the book case. This room is a mess. The keyboard is filthy. What has come from my son’s hands onto this keyboard? I don’t want to know, I don’t even want to think about it, how is it so dirty?