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Fidelity
by husbandorcat @ 28 Apr. 2008 - 06:19:27

I was reading AC Grayling’s ‘The Meaning of Things’ last night, about fidelity. He raised the same question I have pondered over many times: can and/or should fidelity be compelled? Or, rather, he didn’t express it as a question, he was unequivocal that it has to be ‘freely given, not demanded as a right by the other party’.
That could sound like special pleading, and does make you wonder about his personal life (I have no idea. I have a feeling he’s gay, not that that would make any difference, and I’m probably completely wrong anyway).
Anyway, Hubby has never demanded fidelity as a right, he’s just had it by default as my efforts at infidelity always come to nothing.
Could there ever be a man who would mean so much to me that I would know unequivocally that I didn’t want anyone else? I’d like to think so, but I’ve never met him and I don’t suppose I ever shall now. I might believe it in the throes of infatuation, but long term? Well, it’s all moot.

I still have this yearning to find a soul mate, someone who will mean everything to me, but I know that's not Hubby, and I don’t see how it can ever happen with anyone else. La Spice says I’ll never find someone while I stay where I am. That’s the problem, it’s the safety net, I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to make that leap into the dark, to let go of the ladder, oh what a mess of mixed metaphors :). I'm like it with work too, other opportunites are coming up now, but I don't feel I can let go of the PC work, so I'm hanging on to it and taking on other stuff too which is why I'm so over-committed and stressed.
Maybe I’m too needy, too desperate for something else. Is that what drives them away?

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GoingSomewhereGoingSomewhere [Member]
2008-05-02 @ 19:37

Who knows what goes on in the minds of men.

As for your husband, I'm so sorry you don't feel he's your soul mate. It makes me feel sad. It's as though the potential is there, but somehow it can't be fulfilled. And I can't help wondering if it's because you're afraid of it being so, that you have built a barrier between yourself and your husband, a barrier that can't be breached. Of course, I could be completely wrong.

XX

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husbandorcathusbandorcat [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 06:03

The problem is he's not remotely interested in anything I do on an intellectual level, he's never once asked to read any of my writing, he never showed any interest in my PhD, although he's never put barriers in my way, he just doesn't want to know about that side of my life, and I'm beginning to think that that is the most important thing for me - certainly at this stage, now the children are grown up.
If it came down to a choice between my intellectual life and my marriage, there would be absolutely no contest.

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GoingSomewhereGoingSomewhere [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 17:29

Do you know something? Neither was my husband. He was intelligent, but he just wasn't an intellectual. He wasn't interested in any of my pursuits, and I wasn't interested in his. We didn't even like the same music (mostly). But he was a good, kind and affectionate man - and he made me laugh. There were times when I really longed for the intellectual thing, but as my children grew older, I got it from them, particularly my son. There were times when I wasn't too thrilled with the way things were, but most of the time I really appreciated the positives in my husband. I realised that nothing is perfect (or very rarely so) and that I preferred him to an intellectual who didn't make me laugh and didn't love me as much as he did.

I don't think you need to choose between an intellectual life and your marriage. You can have them both - just not together.

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husbandorcathusbandorcat [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 18:42

Maybe you're right, I don't know.
But sometimes it seems, if I can't have them both together, what's the point?

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husbandorcathusbandorcat [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 06:14

In the context of my previous comment, I just re-read your comment about how you enjoyed it when your children and mother didn't need you, and it was just you and your husband.
I'm so sorry that you lost him.
Take care,
xx

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GoingSomewhereGoingSomewhere [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 17:52

Thank you. I'm really sorry I lost him too.

XXX

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husbandorcathusbandorcat [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 06:23

I think the barrier went up when the children were small and he was travelling a lot. At first i used to miss him desperately. I had a friend whose husband was an airline pilot, and she said she liked it better when he was away because he didn't disrupt her routine, and I was horrified, I didn't understand how she could feel like that.
But there was a year (1994, in fact), when he would be away for 2-3 weeks, then back for 2-3 weeks, and I found that I would just get used to him not being there, and getting on fine without him, when he would be back again, and I'd have to readjust to him being around. I started to understand what she meant, and feel the same. Also, it was around that time that I was starting to study for my PhD, I was making friends I could relate to in a different way from him, and that whole intellectual side of my life was taking off.
I guess that was where it started, and our relationship has never really recovered. I just want very different things out of life, and it seems easier to find them on my own than with him.

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GoingSomewhereGoingSomewhere [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 17:50

This is what makes me sad about your situation, because you did love him a lot and things were good between you, but then circumstances led to a change in the way you felt about him. It feels to me as though he hasn't changed in the way he feels about you, but you have come to want things he can't provide. You're drawing further and further away from him because you just don't want what he has to offer. You don't even want to see if he has anything to offer. I thought it was sad that you just went back to sleep when your husband arrived home at 1:15 am. You didn't even turn over to hug him.
I wish there was some way in which I could help you, because it is obvious that you're unhappy, but I think what is needed is a change of attitude on your part. I know La Spice says that you won't find anyone else whilst you stay where you are, but to risk all and leave? And anyway, if your hubby doesn't demand fidelity from you, you really don't have a problem. You can have someone else and him - all you have to do is find that someone else.
I really hope you don't mind me writing like this to you, and maybe I should have written it in a pm, but I just want to help you to get a different perspective on your life. You are like me in so many ways, sometimes it's scary. I spent time looking for what wasn't there, when I should have looked at what was. Thankfully, I came to my senses pretty darn quick (as they say).

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husbandorcathusbandorcat [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 18:55

Thanks for all your comments, and I know how kind and caring you are, and that this is probably very painful for you to observe. I know sometimes I'm very spiky, but I do appreciate what you're saying and the motivations behind it.
He actually came to bed before I got to sleep last night, which is unusual even when he's at home, and I did think about reaching out for a cuddle, but in the end I didn't.
After I'd posted to you this morning, I started thinking about my parents, and how devoted they were to each other right to the end (I've posted about this before), but I thought, they had hardly ever been apart in 60 years. I think that once I started to realise I could have a satisfying life apart from him, that was when the rot set in. I just don't see how I can ever turn back the clock.
As I've tried to explain in my revised blog description, as soon as I realised that the thought of life without him was actually quite exciting, rather than devastating, something changed forever. I should have been heartbroken, but I wasn't. And I'm still living with that realisation.

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GoingSomewhereGoingSomewhere [Member]
2008-05-03 @ 19:15

It is painful because I do understand your frustrations, but as you say, the rot has set in, and I agree it probably is impossible to turn the clock back. And more than that, you don't want to turn it back. I suppose you have outgrown him, really. It is sad that you can't have the marriage that your parents had. I think really good marriages aren't the norm. I think I was extremely lucky, as were your parents.

I'm glad that you have an outlet for your emotions here, that you can write about them and I hope that helps you. Although I am sorry that your life isn't satisfying, I find your blog very interesting and I enjoy reading it. It is interesting to read the articulate and insightful examinations of your life and your emotions. I really hope you find what you're searching for. XX

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