I have booked my ticket for Brussels. Our meeting is on Monday 16th June, and we are meeting on Sunday afternoon to rehearse the presentation, but I have booked to go on Friday and come back on Tuesday. That potentially gives me Saturday on my own, as I don’t know who else is going early. So, I’ve been wondering about what I should do that day. The options I’ve been considering are: Taking a trip out into the countryside, maybe a bus tour of Bruges and Ghent; Staying around the city, maybe doing a guided tour or mooching around the museums; or taking the train to Paris.
I originally thought about trying to go to Paris on Friday, staying there Saturday, getting the train to Brussels on Sunday and coming home from there, but it was much more expensive to buy two one-way Eurostar tickets than one return.
I could do this, but.. what would I do? Just to go there, with no plan in mind? Might I just find myself lost and aimless? Would that matter? There would be no point in thinking of doing any of the tourist things, the Eiffel Tower, the museums, I would spend my day in queues. Last time I was there, I felt this great happiness from just being there, but… would that work again, being there on my own? Should I, romantically, find a café and just sit and write? But I could do that in Brussels – or London, Cambridge, even Bedford. Aaaahhh, but I would be in PARIS!
Indecisive as ever, I can’t decide what my heart is telling me to do. To go and be disappointed – wouldn’t that be terrible?
Last night, I was still awake when Hubby came to bed. I thought about reaching out to him, just to hold another human being for once. But what would have happened? We would have lain together for a few minutes until he fell asleep, then I would have to extricate myself, he would groan and roll over, and I would still be lying alone, with the same thoughts and feelings. Better to leave things as they are, not to try and cross the distance, to close the gap, to feel myself drawn back in, when I know that ultimately I will only find myself back in the same place, the one from which I have started to extract myself.
Does the fault lie in me, in him, or both of us? There was a time when I didn’t feel like this, was it inevitable from the beginning that this was how it would end, two people living parallel lives in the same space? He hasn’t changed. What did I expect? I don’t know. I clung to him in those early days and assumed that any inadequacies in the relationship were all down to me, that if I worked at it and made a commitment and tried to adapt myself, everything would be all right. I don’t know what he is thinking or feeling, how can I know, how can anyone ever know? Are we so unusual? Maybe lots of couples end up this way. What would he do if I said any of this to him, how would he react? The same way he did last time, I guess, with silence. Would it be a surprise, would it be a relief, would he just dismiss it, knowing that I probably wouldn’t do anything, just as I never did anything last time I threatened to go? That time, I always said, it was circumstances that kept me here. Circumstances change, but have they changed enough?
Should I suggest going back to Relate again? Would that do any good? Well, for a start, it’s not feasible at the moment because he wouldn’t be able to get time off work for the appointments. And anyway, my heart isn’t in it.