Woke at 3 again, but today I got up with hubby at 10 past 5. I was nowhere near getting back to sleep, so it seemed pointless lying there for another 50 minutes. So, that’s about 4 hours last night. At some point presumably I’ll be so exhausted I’ll actually sleep through and get something approaching 7 hours sleep, possibly on Thursday after meditation, but it doesn’t always follow.
What do I want? To feel loved, adored, desired. Hopelessly, idiotically, stupidly unrealistic. I wish I could just shove it out of my mind, forget all about it. Actually, my first thought was to ‘be’ loved etc, but what I want is to feel it, maybe I am loved, who knows, hard to tell, maybe there’s even someone who desires me, even harder to tell, but as I never get the chance to feel the truth of any of those things, there is no value in them for me. I try to be loveable, I try to be desirable, but it never seems to be returned. So, forget that part of life, shut it away somewhere, as I have done so many times down the years, and hope eventually it will go away for good and not keep coming back to torment me.
I remember the counsellor I went to 12 years ago having a go at me for beginning my reply to his question ‘What do you want’, with the words: ‘I wish…’ ‘If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!’ he said. ‘What do you WANT?’
Why did he say that? What’s the difference between wanting and wishing? If I want things I know I can’t have, doesn’t that make the wanting into wishing? And anyway, I think maybe I was ashamed to admit what it was that I wanted, which was the same then as it is now. And I wanted a job. A job, an independent life, and to feel loved, adored and desired. All of those things depend on external circumstances, they are not something I can make happen for myself, they are all outside of my control. And 12 years later, I still haven’t really resolved any of them. I suppose they all get less feasible with each year that passes.
Yesterday I got a comment on one of my youtube videos of the concert I went to in Brussels (maybe ‘saw’ is a better word than ‘went to’, I didn’t actually make an effort to go to it, it was just there). No one has ever commented on anything I’ve posted there before. He/she said it was the only thing they’d found on youtube from that gig.
I said I’d really only posted it because I had such a good time and I wanted to put it on my blog. I asked if he/she was there, and thought it might be fun to send them the link for Melinda_blog. When I checked their profile, I found that they were Belgian and 27 – it occurred to me that it might actually be Tintin – that could be rather embarrassing! But at least he would know why I was staring at him that night.