The following was actually written at 7 though.
And now I'm supposed to be starting work

Woke at 4, which is really too early. Lately the pattern has been 4:30-5, which isn’t too bad for getting up. If I could have a routine of always waking at 5:30, that would be perfect (6 is too unrealistic). But 4 means I have to try to get back to sleep, even though I know it won’t be for long and I’ll feel terrible when the alarm goes off.
So, I got up and went downstairs. Forgot to take anything to read, so I sat on the sofa and tried not to fall asleep – perversely, that’s what you need to do. When it got to about 5, I went back to bed, and I must have judged it about right because I don’t remember lying awake at all, I went straight back to sleep and was dreaming when the alarm went off. Maybe it’s getting better.
Had a bit of a snooze in the hammock yesterday afternoon, and also on the sofa in the evening, so maybe that’s why I woke early. And it was hot last night.
Sitting here yawning now and wondering what to say.
While I was away, my daughter and her boyfriend went on holiday to Norfolk. She told me last week that the last time she saw her Dad before she went, when she wasn’t going to see him for a week, she tried to hug him, but he didn’t respond, he ‘just stood there in the doorway. And I thought: “don’t love me then, if you don’t want to”’.
I wanted to say to her: ‘Of course he loves you, you’re his little girl, even if he doesn’t show it, he’ll always love you’.
And then I thought, I guess that applies to me too, maybe he’ll always love me, even if he doesn’t show it, and I should just accept that and take it on trust, as I’ve always had to.
But that’s not I want. I want someone who WILL show it. If I talked to him, told him how I feel, give him an ultimatum, tell him to start showing it or else I’ll go – what would happen then?
Oh, been there, done that. We’ve tried it before, most recently after the cat incident. It works for a while, but it never lasts. Do I really want it to last? Do I really want to work at it? What happened after last time, two years ago? That dull acceptance of life, that contentment which yet wasn’t happiness, that suppressed restlessness, suppressed energy, eating away at me. Is that what I want? Or am I making things more difficult between us to give myself an excuse for resentment, for wanting to stray, to find a way out, to find someone else? Is that what this is really all about, me looking for ways to justify myself when really at heart I’m a tart who likes to flirt, who likes to play games, but doesn’t really have the courage to walk away?