Hubby got up and went to the loo about quarter to three, which woke me up too. Went downstairs and read from about 3:30 till just after four, then went back to bed and listened to ‘fall asleep’ track for a while, no idea when I went back to sleep but the alarm woke me and then I found it very hard to get up. I have drifted back into lying in bed awake, which I’m not supposed to do. It’s so hard to get the motivation to get up when it’s so cold. But at least it doesn’t happen as often as it used to, maybe once or twice a week when it used to be virtually every night.
Skipped meditation because I was late though. And I’ve got a governors’ meeting tonight. I’ll be knackered. But that’s life.
That Woman sent me this address yesterday:
http://gazing-at-the-stars.blog.co.uk/
I suppose she was trying to remind me that there is another side to this story, somebody else’s feelings to take care of. Well, I know that, that’s a big part of why I’m still here, apart from the sheer practicality of not being able to find a way out.
I’m sure anyone who only knows me through this blog wonders about poor old Hubby, about his part in all this and his feelings. I guess you don’t exactly get a well-rounded picture of him, I don’t often try to describe things from his point of view. I’m sure he’s not the same with everybody as he is with me, probably with his work colleagues he’s OK.
This is my place and I set it up so I could talk frankly about my feelings, not expecting, as I’ve said many times, to be read and responded to, just a way of getting it out and sorting it out in my head (not that I’ve done that, but at least that’s what I try to do). I know that none of you will ever meet him, is it so awful what I’m trying to do, trying to be honest? Am I just making things worse for myself and for him, am I betraying him in some way? I guess I am betraying him, I guess I should go back to holding it all inside, the way I did for years and years and years, not exposing it to daylight, it’s all too dangerous and unpleasant.
These are the things I say to myself:
* It’s not him, it’s me, why should he be made to suffer?
* I owe him too much.
* If I left it wouldn’t make me happy, nothing will make me happy, it’s just my personality, I’ll never be happy not matter what I try to do.
* I’ll never be able to support myself.
* I can’t give up the house.
* What would people think?
* I’ve got to keep trying, and maybe it will get better.
* I won’t manage on my own.
* No one else would want me and I’ll die lonely.
* I’m too old to start again.
* He’s too old to start again.
Over the last few months, I have slowly untangled myself from some of these, but I’d say now that it’s mainly the first four that hold me here.
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One side
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I actually clicked on the link not realising what was on the other end. I read some of his blog but had to give up. I felt it was manipulative tripe.
Your third question is how I feel most of the time but the ninth is the one that would really scare me.
 | husbandorcat [Member] 2008-10-08 @ 08:40 |
Question 9 is the scariest, and probably the clincher for most people. Question 3 is, I think, the 'sour grapes' response, the one we all use to try and console ourselves that we don't really need to make a decision.
Manipulative? Doesn't that apply to all of us - my blog, yours, his wife's? (whoever she is)
I thought he was probably justified in his feelings, and that he expressed himself very well. But then I always take people at face value. Maybe I'm just too trusting.
And, of course, the guilt kicked in. How could I be such a cow as to act like his wife? Though I suspect our situations are very different.
 | Foxwriter [Member] 2008-10-08 @ 12:01 |
Decision making is a real swine isn't it?
We are not issued with yellow cards to help, for example, the choice between staying with someone or walking out into the unknown, risking all?
Decision making is partly automatic in that we unconsiously prioritise and put the most important reasons first and then often finish with another priority.
Interesting then that of your questions / choices, the first two and the last one are more than a little altruistic.
| husbandorcat [Member] 2008-10-08 @ 14:08 |
Altruistic??? I wouldn't say that. It's just about considering other people's feelings rather than your own. I'm old fashioned enough to think that's the way to live your life.
and as I've said before, it's not about decision making. I'm not in a position to make a decision, because of 4. As long as that one remains insoluble, the rest is moot.
 | Benjamy [Member] 2008-10-09 @ 08:02 |
read the other side of the story - http://bovary-today.blog.co.uk/
there are two sides to the story
one the female side - though she censors comments and removes comments etc
the male side - obviously a reaction from the hurt and confused other side
the one i felt was one of those make it up as you go along fantasy blogs, i was wrong it was obviously true.
the other the reaction, a story unfolding on blog, and such a shame that lea life conversations cannot take place.
And to Fox writer not manipulative - confused at the breakdown of his world manipulative? read the other side I think I know who was / is the manupulative one
| husbandorcat [Member] 2008-10-09 @ 08:18 |
I wondered if that was the other side. I have read a couple of her comments, but tend not to read those kind of blogs - whether fantasy or not, I'm not interested. Maybe that's just envy on my part, who knows?
Don't really know why That Woman directed me to his blog, because the more I think about it the more I realise how different the situation actually is.
Like you, my sympathies are with him. Maybe that's why I'm so tormented and finding it so hard to resolve my own particular dilemma. I don't want to think of myself as the sort of woman who would do that to a man, however much I might long to.
| Benjamy [Member] 2008-10-09 @ 09:23 |
my sympathies are with them both, i understand his emotions, and i understand her emotions.
each situation is very unique, but ultimatley if one feels trapped in a relationship and does not address it, discuss, resolve, then they in turn entrap the other.
through my own experience, very similar to the one being played out on blog, i talked , she talked, we agreed and we are both better for it and eventually after the pain and anger subsided became and still are friends.
| Foxwriter [Member] 2008-10-09 @ 08:59 |
I can accept contrary opinions on my use of the criticism - 'manipulative'. As HusbandOrCat pointed out, many blogs can be regarded in some way or other as manipulative and I accept that the female side of this 'Blogging Duet' may be equally so.
However, having had another look at his blog entries, I stand by the word 'tripe'.
| Benjamy [Member] 2008-10-09 @ 09:18 |
disagree with Tripe
more hurt, both sides in meltdown, no chance of conversation, or communication, both saying/ writing things to clear thier own conciences. makes me feel sad.
| husbandorcat [Member] 2008-10-10 @ 06:21 |
I suspect Foxy is thinking with his gonads, but my inclination towards the male half is no more rational or creditable, being just an embittered old hag's natural antipathy towards a young, sexy woman.
You're right, it is sad, incredibly sad. Especially if there are young children. And am I right in thinking they've only been together eight years? Not that that makes much difference, if you're going to part the earlier you decide the better, I guess.
But I wonder how he found out about it. Did she tell him??? My whole point in starting this blog was on the assumption that my husband would never read it, I wanted to be able to be honest about my feelings without having to think at every turn what he was feeling too. If I ever thought he would find it, I would delete the whole bloody thing.
there again, if he was as thoughtful and articulate as the husband in this case, I would be talking to him anyway.
 | Starwatcher pro 2008-10-10 @ 17:25 |
Apologies, I do not wish to intrude, but I am heartened by your comments "husbandorcat" and "Benjamy".
As for "Foxwriter" (or is it Swiss Toni?), nothing personal as I do not know you, but he appears to know all about me - but not from myself clearly. Going on most of his comments on "her" blog he certainly does appear to think mainly with his gonads and Flirt was a word that comes to mind.
Please allow me to put you all out of your dilemma as to whether I knew or not (should it be of any consequence of course):
My own blog was started very late in the day, well after I was "broken" the news of her intent to separate. Hers much, much earlier, and no doubt has been a catalyst in the break-up.
The irony is that her blog DID start off only as a piece of fantasy writing at the time, with my knowledge and apprehensive "support", after 3 books (novels) failed to get a publishing deal - so a sexually related subject that was more likely to sell was chosen as the next project, written on-line.
However, the blog grew legs, and fantasy and reality intermingled, met and became reality. I was only shown the early fantasy section(s) and by the time I realised what was going on it was too late.
Naturally, Mr Husband and much else is portrayed as they serve and suit the emerging "plot".
I do not expect people to "take sides", certainly not Foxhunter for one. In any event, I do not see how anyone's views/comments will change matters - it's too late now. So whom Foxhunter thinks I am trying to "manipulate" at this point in time and to what end I do not know? The answer to this question should be self-evident to anyone.
At quite some risk of (very public) ridicule I am pouring my heart out in a blog, virgin territory for me. I am not a writer by profession. My blog was only started as a means of expressing and collecting what I think and feel around the subject - to help me grieve, hopefully, without venom, but certainly with love and more than a little irony and regret - in the absence of an opportunity to say much directly to the person that I still love.
She has said that she will not read what I write "as it will upset her". But then she will not allow me to sit her down and tell it to her, not that I can articulate it in the same way verbally.
Either way, it will not make any difference to her decision, she is too stubborn an individual for that - "this lady is not for turning" was coined for her, not Mrs Thatcher - but it at least helps me grieve.
Thank you for your interest and for listening, whatever your view on the matter. I hope that it adds another dimension, worthwhile perspective, to your own dilemma "husbandorcat".
| husbandorcat [Member] 2008-10-11 @ 06:35 |
Well.
When I was directed to your blog, I thought about inviting you as a friend, but I stil haven't worked out what to say to you, and now you have pre-empted me.
You claim not to be a writer, but you are far more articulate than many round here.
I feel for you, and especially for your children. I have never engaged with your wife's blog, for exactly the reasons stated, because of envy, maybe even a little jealousy. Perhaps she is the woman I could have been 20 years ago, and for me that is too 'upsetting' to contemplate. None of us can re-write the past, the best we can do is face the future with as much courage and hopefulness as we can muster.
One thing that contemplating your (joint) situation has done for me is made me realise how very different it is from my own. Things slowly become clearer. It doesn't help me to find the way forward, because that is too much dictated by practical circumstances beyond my control, but it helps me to start a process of reconciliation with myself. Because for me, that is the relationship which is most out of kilter.
Please persist with your blog. You have as much right to it as she does, or any of us.
| Starwatcher pro 2008-10-11 @ 13:59 |
Thank you for your kind comments and observations. Your recognition that you need to "start a process of reconciliation with yourself" because for you "that is the relationship which is most out of kilter" rings so true with what my own wife needs, but does not acknowledge. This is what I feel that my wife has long needed to examine and seek to understand, but to achieve that needs professional help. Many of the "demons" that eat inside her, that affect her sense of self-worth, a key factor in all of this, are not dictated by external factors and the attitude/behaviour of others (ie.me) that she blames (though I do not claim to have been withut fault), but by her childhood and the perspective that she carries with her as a result - a constant need for "attention". I too feel for my children and myself! I also very much feel for my wife who (unfortunately?) has never been one to be deterred by the practicalities of what is in store. Courage she certainly has in spades, how she directs it is another matter.
I am so new to this, and have been pre-occupied with my own situation, that I have not yet had a chance to read much and absorb the situation(s) of other bloggers - certainly not into the archives - but, yours is one blog that I shall try to keep up with, and if I can offer helpful comment I will. Thank you again and good luck with wrestling with your own dilemma. I have a post about "guilt" and how we deal with it formulating in my mind if that might help!
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