I’ll start with the exciting news I had yesterday. I got an email about the meeting in Berlin which I was beginning to assume would never happen, it is in three weeks time. I need to sort out my flight, I will go on Tuesday 28th and come back on Friday 31st. So I now have something to look forward to.
Other than that, the day was pretty normal. I spent far too long first thing chatting to Usky and taking pictures in the garden instead of getting on with work. And I had a Parish Council panic over a consultation which had to be in by today and although they had filled it in one of the councillors had come up with some new information and she was ringing me and I had to send emails flying round (because she’s not on email) to try to get a response from at least some of the others, but I needed to be able to get it in the post yesterday and she went round the village talking to people and called me and generally it was a bit of a mess but it got done. And I had to get all the agendas, minutes, supporting documentation and crap out for a governors’ meeting next week, only my printer is playing up, there are four people who aren’t on email and I was going to get all their stuff ready and to the post office when I took the consultation in but the printer only prints half of some of the lines, I don’t know what the problem is, I tried cleaning it but I’ve got a nasty feeling that’s it and I’m going to have to get a new one, I’m at a bit of a loss with it. Fortunately I’d got the actual agendas printed out so I just posted those with a note of explanation to say I’ll try and get the rest to them before the meeting, I might have to go into the school and see if I can print it out there. So that’s all a bit of a mess which I haven’t resolved yet.
Then last night I went to meditation and got talking afterwards to a lady called Mary, I’ve talked to her in the past but I haven’t seen her for about a month, she invited me to her 60th birthday party on Saturday night and was asking how I am and how things are. She told me not to say ‘sorry’ and ‘can’t’ and ‘but’ and ‘guilty’. But there’s always a ‘but’, I can’t help that, I see both sides, there’s always a ‘but’. And there’s always guilt, how can I escape that? Shit, I just looked up at the screen and saw that I must have hit a wrong key and all that I thought I’d been typing for the last few sentences is just not there. What was it? Can I remember? I have to keep saying sorry because I’m always letting people down or inconveniencing people and if I don’t say sorry the guilt just turns into me. At one point she said she was ‘bloody freezing’, so of course automatically I said sorry because I’d kept her talking and she had a go at me for that. I always let everyone down, they want me to be happy, what does that mean? Happy, happy, happy. She said ‘have you ever been happy?’ and of course I’m happy sometimes, some things make me happy, but happy is just something that comes and goes isn’t it, it’s not a state of mind that lasts, it can’t be like that, I can’t do it like that. I’ve tried and tried and tried and failed and it must be my fault, because whose else’s can it be?
And when we finished talking and I got in the car it was 10:34. It’s supposed to finish at 9:30 and it usually goes on a bit longer and I normally get home about 10, but I couldn’t believe how late it was. When I got in it was about 10:50, Hubby was in bed as I thought he would be, but when I got up there he was sitting up awake reading and I thought he would be asleep. I could tell he was annoyed. I wonder what he thought I’d been doing. I told him about the party and about Berlin and that I’d been talking to Mary. I don’t know whether he believed that or not. He kept on reading, but he did acknowledge me it wasn’t that he was ignoring me, he didn’t say anything much but he didn’t really need to. I told him the flights to Berlin are either from Stansted or London City so I will go from City because Stansted is a pig to get to and somebody would have to take me, but I can get the train to City, and he said he thought it was on the Docklands Light Railway. Then I went downstairs to get my horlicks and listen to my insomnia buster track and when I came back to bed at 11:30 he was asleep.