I was angry yesterday. Very angry. I felt I had been misinterpreted, misjudged, mistreated, manipulated, by someone I have tried very hard, against my deepest instincts, to like and feel loving towards. My compassion, trust and tolerance were stretched so thinly that one more word could have snapped them completely.
We cannot control others, and we cannot prevent others from trying to control us. Often we cannot even control our own reactions. But at least the potential is there. To look at how we react in certain circumstances, and try to find the ‘best’ way of responding, the way which will lead to greater peace for ourselves and others, rather than perpetuating the old cycles and playing out the old stories.
For me, there are two old stories in cases like that. One, the oldest, the most primeval, is to lash out, to try and inflict as much hurt and damage as possible, to tell that person over and over exactly what I think of them, force them to face up to the truth about themselves (as I see it, but then, what else is truth other than that which we can see?), to make them understand. I abandoned that approach decades ago. It never works, how can it? We cannot control other people’s minds. We cannot control their way of seeing the world. We cannot make them see what we see.
It is always, always destructive, and what it destroys is the person who is trying to use it.
So, if I cannot change others by my anger, what else do I do with it? Turn it on myself, of course. Always. This has been the pattern throughout my life. In so many ways. The world is against me, everybody is against me, nobody wants me, I’m going down the garden to eat worms. This was my instinct yesterday, to run away, even though I knew it would be no more helpful, positive and constructive than unleashing my anger. The lure of the old patterns of behaviour was almost overwhelming.
So, how to find a third way? How to step back from the fire and the flood and stay on the firm ground?
Distraction, first. Do something, anything, get on with it. Lose myself in practical action. Fortunately, there were plenty of practical actions to get on with. And look for guidance.
I read about forgiveness, that forgiveness is not something to be handed down, but an openness towards the other person, a willingness to stand here in this moment, to let go of the past, not to assume that the future will always replay what has gone before. We can’t force change, but we don’t have to assume that it is impossible.
I won’t hide any more. I will show my face. It is a lovely face, a pretty face, a sexy face, I know it is, I have been told so. No more false modesty, no hiding away, no ‘oh, I’m only little me, nobody wants ME’. That’s not true. It’s a beautiful face, and in real life, it can be even better, more captivating, more seductive, more loving. It can be all those things. And it can be strong, too. It can face a new day, a new year, a new life. It can let go of the past.
Happy Christmas, my friends.